A Rollercoaster

On Saturday I was able to hold Jack for a couple hours even though there was a lot of confusion in the room with the scheduling of another baby's procedure. In the evening I asked if he could come out for my mother-in-law to hold him for awhile (because she hasn't gotten to yet) and was told he had already been held a lot. The nurse's tone and non-verbals made me feel like I was being told that I had done something wrong. That's hard for me anyway, but especially because there are 20 hours of each day at least that I can't hold him. After going home I was alone for the first time since having Jack and felt sad. I went to the women's ministry night at our church. During worship I heard my friend Zena's 2-month-old whimpering and wanted to hold and comfort a baby. Thankfully she and Nora agreed and I just held her and cried until I could smile. It was really healing.

Jack had a good weekend. He came out of the incubator and went into the crib on Sunday. He also came off the billiblanket because his level was a 7 (13 and up means being on the lights). The nurse said that I could bring our own clothes and blankets the next day if I wanted and could start giving Jack his baths. On Monday we spent a lot of time together and Jack breastfed pretty well. The lactation consultant suggested they try cue-based feeding (otherwise known as "on demand"). That evening Jack moved to the level 2 room, which is an improvement. He had also gained good weight and was 5lbs1.5oz. He had also passed his hearing test.

Unfortunately, on Tuesday we were told that overnight Jack didn't wake up on his own to eat and was switched back to scheduled feedings. He got cold and was in danger of going back into the incubator. Jack also D-stat-ed, which means that the oxygen saturation of his blood dropped too low. They put him on 50% oxygen. We were told that Jack had probably just been pushed too far and was telling us to slow down. I was really emotional getting this news and couldn't seem to help crying. I was disappointed. I also felt like the insinuation was that my holding and feeding him was what was too much, which made me feel like his regressions were my fault. I'm being pretty sensitive. I don't mind if Jack's going to be there for awhile (even an undetermined amount of time), but not knowing what's expected of me or when advocating for our attachment is necessary is stressful to me.

Today we kangarooed for the second time. Jack is down to 1/16 oxygen. He's still in the crib and nippled his 3,6 and 9am feedings. His lung x-rays were clear and he doesn't have pneumonia. He'll have another blood test to check for billiruben tomorrow because on Monday his level had gone up to 8.5.

Sorry if this post is more jumbled than the others. I'm tired and covering a lot of days at once.